Tuesday, June 16, 2009

One of those days

I'm having one of those days that I haven't had in a long time, where I find myself walking around on the verge of tears. Juliet's on my mind - I just feel like I should be spending the day with her, hanging out, talking, playing at the park, doing mommy things other than trying to get her to fold laundry/wash dishes/cook dinner/clean house/maintain the garden with me, which seems like it takes up most of the three hours a day that we get to spend together in the evenings.

And I feel guilty that B&C are at city day camp, even though they get to do fun stuff (and it's City of Davis, after all), I wish we had the money to send them to Walker Creek or one of those super awesome sleep away camps where they get to hike and canoe and do stuff with well-paid, nurturing camp counselors. I wish when they got home in the evening they got to spend time with the both of us being relaxed, instead of J always having to work late or one or both of us being stressed out of our minds over money and the bar exam. I wish we could take more walks and drives and outings as a family without worrying about how much it's going to cost, or whether Juliet's going to have a meltdown at a restaurant because she's been such a pain lately, probably because we're never around and when we are, we're super stressed.

And I honestly have no idea how I'm ever going to retain this information, despite my best attempts to keep up with the multiple choice practice and the essay practice and reviewing flash cards. I have always managed to keep my head in the game when it came down to it, and to think positively about everything, but I'm actually having trouble seeing myself sitting down in six weeks and getting this done. I may have the hours of 9am - 5pm to study, but somehow everything else (aforementioned cleaning/cooking/laundry/grocery shopping/child rearing etc) has to get done and most nights I have to do it without help. By the time I settle in for studying round 2 at 9pm, if I haven't crashed out with Juliet, I'm totally exhausted.

So to sum up, stress, lack of sleep, total lack of exercise, and I guess being pregnant has all contributed to make me feel very weepy this morning, about all these things, but mostly just missing my little girl. But I have to turn in an Evidence essay for grading in two hours, so I'd better get over it. I think writing helps. It's always good to hear from everyone who reads (so far apparently only facebook cares about the existence of my rants) who has words of encouragement. I don't usually go looking for it, but maybe just for these next six weeks while I try to avoid having a major breakdown.


Dakota said...

I hear you loud and clear! I so long to be spending the warm evenings with my kids in our backyard, or having a conversation with my wife that didn't lead to either the bar, my loans, or the job I need to get that will pay those loans. Concentration is at an all-time low for me, too, and I take solice in the fact that we are right on track and doing exactly what all the other folks who have ever passed the bar did right about now - freaking out.

We will be OK and will pass the first time!

gudnuff said...

Rather than burden you with the details of how puny I feel by comparison to all that you're juggling, I just want to say I think you are amazing. Hope that helps.

gudnuff said...

(couldn't find an email address for you, so had to say this here)

Oh, I'm just a dreamer, a lurker, a wannabe (some say a malcontent whiner). I'm still holding on tight to my full-time job. I haven't even studied for the LSAT. I chose the word "puny" purposefully. Anyway, it's hard for me to feel sorry for my lazy butt when I read about all that you are accomplishing. You're not just wishing, dreaming your life away. And no matter how you spend the years of your children's youth, the time will still seem fleeting and ill-spent; it does for all of us. Some of us come out on the other end just wrinkled and wondering where those cute little kids disappeared to. Others of us come out with a kick-ass law degree, entree to parts and people of the community that your kids will benefit from, connections, knowledge, possibly eventual influence...how can that be anything but helpful to your entire family, when the day comes?

Nancy said...

just found your blog via butterflyfish--and I enjoy it! But I wanted you to know that those counselors at the fancy sleep-away camps are NOT well-paid, so dont feel too bad ;)

law mama said...

Thanks for reading, Nancy! You're right - I doubt too that they are "well paid" to any extent. But I imagine the jobs are a bit cushier than your average public day camp service. That being said, the boys ended up absolutely loving the Davis city camp, so there you go!